I was challenged this weekend at the Instigator Experience. I love a good challenge. So, effective immediately. I’ll be writing a new 10 minute post every single day. They won’t be emailed out, but if you want to read about the real me and what happens as I’m working to move from full time day job to only working on my fun work then, here’s where you’ll find my journey. And, please note too. It’s what’s going on inside my brain. Not what is really or actually true. It’s just meant to be an expression of how it feels inside my head. Because I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have a little gremlin voice that bugs the shit out of them. This is that gremlin voice.
One day at a time.
Day 1: Anxious and Overwhelmed = Fear
I’m going to working in a little over an hour from now. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I’m sweating as I writing this, but I made myself a promise that I’d write for 10 minutes everyday.
Today, I find myself writing about my sweaty palms and how stressed I am. Having just had one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had at the Instigator Experience. I know have to react to what I know. And, that means that I have to…
Quit My Day Job.
But, today. I’m stuck. Preparing for a store ops audit that my boss has decided to give me on Wednesday, giving me only one day today, Tuesday to prepare for this. And, I’m so unprepared. So far behind. I’m always struggling with feeling so far behind.
Things not done, things not up to “standard” today spent in preparation of the “trouble” I’ll be in tomorrow. When all I really want to do is set my keys down on the counter and run. Run for my life. Run towards something better, more important and more real.
Run towards myself instead of running away from fear.
Fear of myself, fear of my failure, fear that I’ll spend yet another year in massive credit card debt. Fear that my husband will continue to hate me forever. Fear that I have nothing left inside of me when my daughter wants cuddles. Fear that there is nothing to me but and intense amount of failures. Failing at everything I try to do and be and feel and become in the world.
Fear that no matter what. Next year will come and I’ll still be stuck right there working in a job that I can’t stand. Working my ass off, giving up being with my family for every important day and event.
All to earn that $0.17 raise per hour. That raise that I should be proud of, excited about. That I actually hollered out at least I got something. I wasn’t expecting a raise this year at all.
I was happy about that $0.17 and pissed and scared. Scared that when Wednesday rolls around and that Operations Audit gets underway, that maybe I won’t do anything today and really fail it big time tomorrow.
Maybe, I’ll say something I shouldn’t say. Do something I shouldn’t do. Maybe I will toss those keys on the counter. Maybe when I do, my husband will send me back to Dry Fork, VA. Kick me out to go back to living with my parents at the age of 40.
Maybe I’ll never get to kiss and cuddle my daughter again after that because he’ll win in the custody battle. Because he has the money. And, here I am typing on a keyboard with about $300 to my name. How can I do what I need to do to move forward when I know it could cost me my very own child. And, how did my life get here?
Where my brain is so screwed up that I really think that in order to move forward it would really mean I’d lose my child, it really wouldn’t – but that’s how it feels inside my brain.